-=-=-
My foot pressures against the matted steps of the bus leading up to the driver. My fingers slip into the right pocket on my favorite cargo shorts. Now I have found my silver bus pass that awaits my grasp every school morning. The pass allows me to continue on my voyage to the back of the bus. Dragging steps bring me to my destination and the bus jerks forward. The boy in the seat in front of me is taking his daily morning school ride nap.
-=-=-
By now my hands have made it into my left pocket of my cargo shorts to reach my lime green savior from silence. I gradually expose my iPod, unwinding the coiled headphones. The perfect buds fit my ears with a tight bond. My right thumb releases the HOLD, and taps the menu button. The backlight shines upon the bus ceiling almost appearing like I’ve revealed treasure in a cartoon. My eyes adjust to the magical luminosity and I can see the blue streak scroll down and select music, artist, and the acacia strain. My finger now relaxes as the music travels through my head and I hold back the lyrics that are now so familiar.
-=-=-
I watch out the window at the passing trees embellished with leaves of orange, red, and gold while music beats bounce through my head. We arrive at school and it is time once more for the perfect feeling to leave. My iPod returns to its pocket, and I walk off the bus into the chilled air of October.
-=-=-
The words slip out of the ref’s mouth and we both hesitate before the interaction. “WRESTLE!” Our arms clasp together and our eyes met for a split second. He could spot the determination in my glare, but I could see the fear in his eyes. I forcefully snap him down to the unforgiving mat. His breathe is beginning to pick up and I can feel his heart jumping every other beat. Chop the arm, hold, spin, breakdown; I can only hear the coaches’ words in a sea of wrestlers. Almost as though Coach was whispering directly into my ear, everyone else vanished. I feel myself beginning to sweat, but it is incomparable to the streams of sweat pouring off of my opponent. He is slippery, but my grasp is too firm for mistakes.
-=-=-
I toss him horizontally over my body, and I can feel his back rest on the mat for a few seconds and tilt up. I can sense the terror in his movements and I power burst through his leverage and tilt him vertically against the sweat marinated mat. The ref’s hand never took such a lengthy time to hit the mat before the pin. The victory was well deserved and the title of Youth Western Massachusetts Champion was awarded to the right man; me.
-=-=-
In my life, I appreciate different things for similar reasons. I value my iPod with extreme intensity not only because it cost me 200 dollars, but because it provides daily entertainment on the bus and at home. My iPod is not just an insignificant electronic device to me; it is a large part of who I am. When I have difficulty sleeping, waking up, or even concentrating, my iPod can comfort me into success.
-=-=-
I truly value my victory leading to me becoming YWMC for my weight class for the reason that It gives me something to brag about, and the exact moment I pinned my opponent, I knew my hard work had paid off. The feeling of success from a well deserved goal is one of the best feelings you can have in my opinion. Every time that I remember that victorious moment in my life thus far, I cannot wait to see what life has in store for me in the future.
-=-=-
The memory of victory in comparison to my iPod is different no doubt, but how different is it? To me, the thought of overcoming a hindrance gives close to the same feeling of listening to a brutal jam on my iPod. In both cases, my easily released adrenaline pumps through my veins. All together, what I personally value in life is most likely different from what you value… but who really values your opinion anyways, right?
9 comments:
This is an excellent story Nick. Good job. i really enjoyed how you explained everything so nicely and so clearly. Were you talking about the thrill you get when you wrestle or just wresteling in general. But i could really tell that you were also talking about your ipod.
I think that the one value of the two that you described the best was the thrill you get when you wrestle. i thought that i was actually there watching the game from the stands. But i could see what you were seeing.
One overall strength that you had in the essay was how much you described both your ipod and the thrill of wresteling. Your essay was so long mainly because you described your two values so well.
One piece of advice that i shal give you is to re-read your essay. Make a few changes. Don't use simple words, put in more complex words or something.But otherwise your essay was very, very good.
Oh, good title too
I think that this was a great story. Nick talked about wrestling and his ipod. I think that the story was well developed and was very clear. The story also had a lot of detail which I really liked.
I personally think that the thrill you get from wrestling was the best part of your story. I liked the great word choice that you used in that part of the story. You used great words in the story that made me want to read more and more.
One of the strengths that showed in Nick's essay was organization. I liked how your story was very organized from the beginning to the end. I could understand everything that you said throughout the whole essay. I did not get lost at all and each paragraph talked about one main thing.
One thing that I think you should try to work on would be to reread your essay and maybe change a couple things to make more sense in the story. Other than that I thought that it was a really good story.
Really nice job nick. Well, you obviously value your victory, I think i migh have been there. But you said you value it more so yeah, thats it.
I could really vivdly view your victory for three reasons. i think i was there like i said, but also the way you described it. I could almost picture myself throwing him over my shoulder. The last reason is i know what it feels like to win.
You had really good organization. It went from one subject to the next without confusing the reader. really nice job.
I'm really bad at giving advice, and i have non. You were very vivd with your descriptions. And you also had very nice organization. So overall, nice job.
What Nick is saying in his essay is that he values his iPod and his wrestling victory that made him YWMC. I feel like he values both equally but maybe the victory a little more because it is really personal and he can, like he said, brag about it!
I think that both were described exquisitely but I do have a favorite line! "By now my hands have made it into my left pocket of my cargo shorts to reach my lime green savior from silence." I absolutely love this sentence. I think that this is exactly what an iPod is a savior from silence! i could have never thought of those words though!!
Without a doubt Nick's strength was word choice. Ever since I have known him in the 7th grade he has always been a awesome author. He described things extremely well and outs a vivid picture in my head. When he described his wrestling match I felt like i was there and I could see him doing his wrestling moves. I am not a fan of wrestling and have never watched a match but Nick did a really good job of putting a picture in my head.
Okay, this is the really hard part because personally I think that this essay was flawless. Umm.. how about you can re read it and then see if you can add anymore description. I also suggest not to touch the introduction or conclusion they were funny and intriguing! Oh and Thanks for the comment!!!
First nick, i belive that your beging was preety good. It could use so work, but good. I think that your objects, your ipod and wrestling are good items. They could use more descrition, though.
I thought that your descripions were ok. You might want to change it up a bit, in some parts its kinda dry. "WRESTLE!” Our arms clasp together and our eyes met for a split second." I tried to find a good descritive sentence, this was the best one i could find.
In general, I thought hard what your strength was, and I decided. It is the ability to say it's your ability to always have something to write about. You had alot of writing down and it made sence. It was an ok essay.
For the future, you might want to try to use more desciptive words that make the sentence better. Also and more kick to your writing, its really dry in some parts. It might help to use better vocab, also. Nick you had a nice essay.
1. Alright nick, this has to be one of the best essays I’ve read so far… who wrote it for you. Just kidding I like how you feel that none has the right to say how valuable something is. I also like that you value your memory more than your ipod, or at least that’s what I got out of it.
2. I felt that the wrestling match was best described and most clearly described. I feel that way because he used very good description, and made me feel like I was the one wrestling the opponent. “Our arms clasp together and our eyes met for a split second’ I liked this quote the best because it really gave me the feeling of being at the match and watching them wrestle on the mats.
3. I feel that the entire essay was its strengths it was very good and I was astonished when I read it because it blew my mind away and it took me a few minutes get back into reality after reading it. I feel you had good word choice, writing style, conclusion, introduction and terrific organization.
4. I really have nothing that you could do better on in your essay. I feel that you should try doing a little less good so every one else looks like they did good. Seriously, because mine stinks compared to yours.
Before I start this comment, I had no idea that Nick could write that well. This essay was great. The two things that Nick was comparing were wrestling and his iPod. The two combined is sort of like that movie "Never Back Down". It was a very lengthy essay.
I belive that you enjy wrestling thoroughly, as you wrote about in your essay. The descriptions were quite good, and so was the flow of the essay.
The best part of your essay was probably the second paragraph about wrestling. The way you Nick described the experience of wrestling was quite good. But still, the iPod writing was excellent as well.
Finally, i found this essay to be one of the best ive read this year. It moved from paragraph to paragraph, and i really liked it. Good work, Nick.
Nick is clever in thinking about value. He sees that ideas, opinions, and moment are all one category of value and possessive items are another. This may not be so tricky but the way he goes about thinking this is. It will be explained later. Nick truly values his iPod and the sport he loves, wrestling and winning a match.
Nick’s description of his use of his iPod is the better of the two values. His detail is very in-depth. He explains how it turns a boring bus ride into a trip to remember. You can picture a kid on a bus with the lame scene of kids around him. But that doesn’t matter because he has all he needs in his hands and ears.
Nick’s strong point in the essay is the introduction. He asked the question “In my introductory paragraph, I am supposed to inform you about value… but the true question is do you value my opinion enough to listen to me?” It leads into him connecting material value with moments of value. It is so clever and you never see it coming. The connection really gets you thinking about value and what it really is.
I have one suggestion for this essay. It is to add a contrast to the conclusion. Nick makes a very good connection to two things that are obviously different but lacks the obvious contrast. Maybe Nick’s contrast wont be so obvious but still a contrast will be needed.
nick, you are the man..
-your secret admirer
Post a Comment